Having a “family or work “ choice every day.
This story about me, young woman in early 30s, physicist in the past, expat, mother, and my every day internal challenge on how to be a good mother, how to be an inspiring leader and how to have a bit more energy left every evening to be passionate wife and partner to my husband.
It all started with our baby being born and me and my husband being clueless of how to get ourselves back together and how to continue being us and learning being parents at the same time. Apparently we were not ready, no one is. The story becomes interesting when I started working after parental leave and our baby has just turned 10 month old.
We live in old good Europe with many social aspects, with day care facilities and government covering big chunk of day care costs. All is great on a paper. The reality is different though: 1 hour to commute each way, 8 hours working day, colleagues complaining on why I hesitate to have a 1h lunch and others so attentive parents who pick up their kids at 15:30. Oh dear what to do? I chopped my working hours to 32 and lunch with colleagues turned to be the event of the month for me. I felt like, yeah, I am one of those loving mother’s,I am not leaving life of my kid to a stranger at day care. It was good: we played every day, we were walking a lot and my husband could still provide thus the family does not struggle with resources. After a couple of month I got an offer to become a leader in people sector. What an opportunity, I thought I would need less to stretch myself with constant learning of new technologies and I will finally get rid of annoying selfish boss. I was so thrilled by the offer, I wanted to become the most great and beloved leader in the company and more I wanted to do things right like in all of those leadership books. What a naive me.
I took the job and immediately my kid got sick week after week. Yes, what else one would expect in a big city. My life looked like a bad dream when one tries to catch a train that constantly speeds up and goes away. My working week was two days at work, one week at home taking care about the baby and catching up on 1001 emails at work and my peers staring on me weirdly. I could not deliver on any of the parts of my life, neither at work nor at family.
I kept asking myself why I am doing this to me and my family? Can the work just wait? Will it be ever better? And and does my husband still remembers me as I keep falling asleep at 20:00 at our daughter’s room.
I strived for excellence every where and that was my biggest mistake. I kept regretting for missed important meeting at work that happened after 17:00 and I was stealing my attention from my daughter every time I looked on my emails. I felt unnoticed and unutilized, I felt bad that I did not want to be stay at home parent as my culture would dictate to me.
This all was in my head on my way to work, during my work and on my way back…and at home. I was stuck between the two worlds and it looked to me that both of them can not co-exist. I even do want to mention here that my leadership role turned out to be more coach like and inquired listening of employees complaints, give advises without any mandate or power to act upon them.
After another session of torturing myself I realised I can optimize, I need to take a decision and stick to execution of my goals. First thing I did I communicated to every one everywhere that meeting a beyond 15:30 are no go for me. My calendar was open to everyone in the company and I was honestly saying that this is for my family. I insisted on decisions had to wait till I come back ( At least I manage to get 50% of those waiting for me). To my direct reports I was there listening, reflecting, advising and pleasantly smiling. I was fully in for them and did free up my mind from family at work. The moment I cross the door step of our home, I was there for our daughter. No emails at home and just as little wining as possible.
Work is for work and family is for family and the commute distance is to switch between the worlds.
I found peers with the same struggles and we used to have “frustration coffee” for releasing our bad feelings for complaining w/o being judged and for leaving those words and emotions at the table and coming back to work with big smile and full enthusiasm as nothing happened.
Our kid is now almost four, I took upon even more challenging role, I lead four teams in tech company and I still have my 32 h working week. Sometimes I work more, sometimes less, but the whole big tech department reads my calendar and there is no invite after 17:00 unless I want it. Things change, but frustration coffee and time to re-boot during commute time are my constant helpers.
